Miranda  I am responsible!
by Lorna Mortimer
Summary: Miranda tries to transform herself into a 'responsible human' so that her allure will work on Gary Preston who is planning on returning from Hong Kong.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello and welcome! Well hurry up, sit down. Did you really have to go for that last biscuit? And if you weren't getting a biscuit I'm not going to apologise because frankly, you're weird**.

**Previously in my life… **

'The gorgeous Gary upped his sticks to Hong Kong… which I've been fine about. I mean I don't think it's weird making fruit friends. And things only ever went wrong when I was with Gary anyway…'

Gary, Stevie and Clive all come running out of the black taxi waving and cheering in excitement of a party. Miranda emerges a little later wearing a knee length red dress. She shuts the door but forgets to walk away leaving her dress caught in the door. The taxi drives away (with the dress) and Miranda's face turns red with pure embarrassment. She runs down the road after the taxi shouting and pointing to the others who as usual just think that she's mental.

'Say nothing, shush please. No I'm fine, tired, but that's because I've been sleeping on a lilo 'cause my bed broke. Too much action.'

She purses her lips and looks sternly at the camera. Miranda is jumping up and down on the bed to S Club 7's popular one hit wonder (I don't even think it was that). Stevie is throwing chocolate bars at her, Miranda catches one but then the bed breaks suddenly and she falls into the deep abyss of snapped wood and failure.

'And if I have been down I definitely turned a corner last night.'

Up on stage, no surprise, Miranda is singing 'If you're not the one' by Daniel Bedingfield (again one hit wonder; she seems to have a thing for failures) whilst completely gazeboed and sipping a large glass of red wine.

'That is too high Daniel and it's unnaturally high for a man.'

She takes another swig of wine.

'Right let's jolly on with the show!'

[subtitles]

Miranda walks down the stairs into the joke shop downstairs. Stevie is stood behind the counter barely able to see over the top.

'Hello my hobbit friend.'

'Hello my gigantic companion'

Miranda sits on an inflatable football chair, which slips out from underneath her, and she lands face down on the floor.

'It's all about the recovery'

Stevie chuckles under her breath. She is sorting through a box of baby toys.

'I can't believe this, I've been here all morning and you've been sat talking to your fruit friends again'

'I don't have fruit friends!'

She turns to the camera and looks like a naughty schoolgirl who just told a complete lie to her teacher. A little immature I must admit.

'It is only 10 am and I can already talk to Miss Heather Small,' says Stevie. 'Hello Heather! Say hello Miranda.'

'Hello Heather Small, a hearty welcome to you indeed.'

Stevie faces the head of Heather Small mounted on a lolly stick.

'What have you done today to make you feel proud' impersonates Stevie. 'Well I'll tell you Heather; I have checked through all of the stock lists and made twelve phone calls to the baby shop down the road because of a very silly mix up.' Stevie giggles sarcastically.

Miranda looks over at Stevie.

'A mix up, what do you mean? You placed the new order yourself last week.'

'I know! Wait how did you know that? You never know what's going on in this place.'

'I am not incapable of doing a proper days work you know'

In fact Miranda had just looked at the stock papers about two minutes ago and that is the only reason that she knows about the mix up.

'OK then my friend, how about you look after the shop for a while seeing as I need to go over to the toy shop down the road,' asks Stevie.

'Stevie. Stevie, Stevie, Stevie. You know I would love to stay and help my lovely **little** friend here in the shop; but, unfortunately…' thinking. 'I need to go and buy myself a new bed.'

Miranda turns, trying to be cool but failing and seeming camp instead, and heads towards the door.

'See, I can be responsib-' she walks into a pile of baby toys and falls to the ground almost crushing a customer. 'As I said before, it's all about the recovery.' She falls again and tears the bag out of the customer's hand to keep her upright. Trying to recover she swings the bag over her shoulder in a snooty manner and exits into the street.

'_I can't believe that they don't think I can be responsible. I am perfectly capable of holding down a job for more than a week. I mean, I blame my mother for this. Whenever I get an interview, she always insists on coming with me so I don't 'embarrass myself'. Last time we went she tried to sell me into the Navy. Well I say 'sell'.'_

Miranda and her mother are in the interview room with the interviewer.

'You don't have to even have to feed my daughter, look at her, she could last a week or two. She's very much like one of those camels with the humps…'

'_Humps. That's a good word isn't it? Humps!'_

'… you won't have to pay I am literally giving her away.'

'We don't pay for our employees Mrs Hart and I don't think your daughter is really suited to the position.'

Miranda is still sat there next to her mother but this time she has picked up a set of four Russian dolls and hitting them together to make the sound of a horse galloping. She gets up and gallops around the room. Both the interviewer and her mother stare at her as though she is the most insane human being on the planet.

'_I know, say nothing. I can't help it I just get very nervous in awkward situations. I either end up singing or just acting as though I have just escaped from the local asylum. This is all going to change. I have to show Gary that I can be a responsible human being and not make a fool out of myself whenever I see him.'_

Miranda enters the bed shop and a man is waiting just inside the door to help with any customer.

'Hello there. Can I help you?'

'Oh yes! I was looking for a new bed. My old one, erm, broke.'

'Of course sir!'

Miranda looks at him with a very insulted expression. 'Sir?'

The man looks back and soon changes his mind as to his choice of address to her.

'Anyway, what type of bed were you looking for _Madame_? A double I'm guessing for you and your…'

'Yes yes my _husband! _My wonderful husband called… Brian? Yes he's at work at the moment; he's a rocket scientist although he really only cleans the fish tanks.'

'The fish tanks?'

'Yes, erm, they use fish to, erm, power the rockets?'

'OK shall we move on to our new range?'

'Oh this looks fun!"

She walks up to a children's bed that has a slide leading down into a ball pool.

'_Ball pool! Funny'_

She walks over to the child's bed and almost starts to climb the ladder.

At the camera - 'No. That would be awkward wouldn't it? Remember I am now a responsible human being who will soon have a responsible grown woman's bed which I will use for sleeping and perhaps some other things seeing as I am now _all woman!' _

She slowly moves away from the bed and follows the man further down the shop.

'Miranda! Is that really you?' A short man starts to approach her from his sleeping position on a king-size bed that he was 'trying out'. 'It is you! My lovely Miranda, oh how I have missed you my voluptuous female!'

To camera - _'Oh no! It's dreamboat Charlie! What do I do now? I can't leave because that would go against my 'new woman' image and I can't talk to him normally because lets face it, he has the mental capacity of a snail and all he thinks of is his 'ball pool. OK Miranda think, what would Stevie do?'_

She walks up to dreamboat Charlie and looks straight over his head. She realises that his face was 2 feet under her chin and steps back to look at him. He walks forwards and grabs hold of her hips tightly. Miranda grabs his hands and pulls him off.

'Dirty man! Get off!' He moves away and opens a bag of crisps.

'Bloody love crisps. Don't you?' He laughs into the bag and taking the opportunity like a 'responsible human' Miranda slips (runs) away out of the fire exit to one side


	2. Chapter 2

…'Oh my jolly roger! What's dreamboat Charlie doing here? I mean, I know that he lives near here but… what's he doing _here_? I swear he just follows me wherever I go. Last time I saw him he was climbing up the side of my flat wearing nothing but an army helmet.

_**Flash back **_

Miranda is sat waiting for Tilly to return with Stevie; her husband-to-be is unrelentingly chasing her round the room. The window slides open and Dreamboat Charlie climbs through the wondow.

'Miranda! My wonderful Miranda!' He walks towards her in a 'trying too hard' seductive way (he is naked at this point) He lunges forwards with one leg on the arm of her sofa.

'He moved, it moved!' she runs to the bathroom clutching his arm and throws him through the door and slams it behind her as she returns to the living room.

'Oh my! What am I supposed to do now? I have a man in my bathroom who wants to do the _pumpdy de rumpdy _avec moi and another man in my bedroom that wants a little light relief from his _bare with _wife-to-be. HELP!'

She walks into the kitchen to get a glass of water while she thinks and the front door slams. She thinks that Tilly has returned with Stevie.

'What took you so long, I've been here for twenty minutes with…'

Two hands wrap around her waist.

'Surprise! Spontaneous enough for you?' she nods with glee but then realises her current situation.

'I appreciate the thought Gary but… I don't think I can do this right now.'

'Why not, is it the dressing gown? Too much?' he looks down at the robe.

'No. The robe is fine… lovely. It's just that…erm. Oh it's hard to explain but you have to leave.' She points to the exit when the bedroom door opens and Tilly fiancée steps out in his underwear. He struts forward and then the bathroom door opens and out comes Dreamboat Charlie in nothing but his too big army helmet. All three men stare at each other with slight jealousy and complete confusion. Then the front door opens again and Tilly and Stevie enter.

'What the gigantorific collybobbins is going on here?' Asks Tilly

'Popkins! I was simply, simply, simply…' he quickly exits the flat and runs down the steps. Tilly follows him in anger. Miranda's mother steps into the living room and stops suddenly in shock.

'What on… GO MIRANDA!' she almost faints with joy and goes to join Gary who is standing with his dressing gown on the floor by his feet. Miranda grabs Dreamboat Charlie and drags him out of the flat.

_**At the back of the bed store**_

'Let's not speak of that again. Anyway, I need a new bed and I have just walked through a sign saying 'staff only'. Something tells me I'm not going to be alone back here.'

Miranda continues walking down the corridor and eventually goes through what looks like a fire exit. She enters a large room filled with chairs and staff members. She tries to turn around and leave but a stern looking man grabs her by the arm.

'Amanda! Where have you been? You are four hours late for your shift, and on your first day.' He walks with her into the next room which looks like a warehouse building.

'Now, this will be where you'll be working for the next few weeks. All you have to know is in the leaflets you received on accepting your application and this is Mandy who will help you over the first few days.' Miranda, turning her head to the camera kept one eye on the manager man who had just thrown her in at the deep end.

'What do I do? Oh I hate being a 'responsible human'. Why can't I just go back out there buy the child's bed, hit dreamboat Charlie across the head and leave instantly. Hang on… oooh… that's very good. I should do that. No…OK…no…OK I'm going to do it.'

Ripping off the nametag that the short important man had just given her, she leapt over the cardboard boxes and headed for the door. She got a little stuck on the push door that she took to be a pull door but eventually she left the warehouse and entered the bed shop once more. Dreamboat Charlie was still there waiting expectantly (stalker) but Miranda simply walked past him. Remembering her plan, she turned back to face him and his eyes lit up with joy. She lifted the bag that she had earlier stolen from a customer back at the shop and raised it, not that far, to his eye level. He seemed confused until Miranda clonked him over the forehead with the satchel. She had done it! Turning round to the shop assistant man she raised one hand.

'I'd like one of these please. Yes that's right, the child's one.' She pointed at her chosen product and left swiftly. The assistant came running after her out of the door.

'No! Sir! You just assaulted a customer! Return at once or I'll call the police!" As expected… she ran.


	3. Chapter 3

… As Miranda ran down the road she noticed Stevie and Gary sat in a coffee shop opposite her joke store. She stopped running, took a few paces back and stared, open-mouthed at the two drinking lattes. She walked in to meet them at the table. Trying to get onto one of the high stools, her left buttock got jammed between the table and the chair causing her to instantly tip over and land face-down onto the biscuit crumb strewn ground. Gary ran to her assistance rapidly and helped her to her feet.

'Thanks Gary!' she spontaneously gave his bicep a squeeze afterwards and her eyebrows raised.

'I've never been more aroused.' Gary regained his seat next to Stevie.

'Miranda, What are you doing here?' Asked Stevie.

'Well I needed to buy a new bed, too much action, so I went to the bed shop to buy one. I instantly got mistaken for an employee, got harassed by dreamboat Charlie, got called Sir twice and…Hang on! What are you two doing here, together, ensemble?' Stevie and Gary looked at each other in a confused way.

'Well seeing as you were too busy pretending to be human, I won't add the word responsible, I needed some help at the shop. Gary was the first person to walk through the door and he offered to give me a hand with the stock checklist. We didn't really want to stay in the shop because it was full of baby toys so we came here instead. Problem? You didn't think we were (makes heart sign with hands)…did you? I may have the allure but that would be sinking to a whole new level.'

'No! I just thought you might be…erm…uuuhhhhhh…I just thought I'd come and talk about the…hidden dragons?' she squirmed under pressure uncomfortably. Gary and Stevie stared confusingly at her face.

'You know when you get nervous in social situations and you end up lying to impress?'

'No'

'Exactly, we all do it!' She continued talking to them when she noticed Dreamboat Charlie waving at her and grinning through the window.

'Quick, Gary! You have to help me! He's back! Wait, stand there a second.' She pointed at the counter. He went and leaned on the side and she stood behind him so she couldn't be seen. Charlie entered the shop looking around for his Miranda. He was rubbing his hand together as though he was about to eat a large lobster or a giant bowl of crisps (he 'bloody loves crisps').

'Have you seen my Miranda?"

'Erm… no I haven't, try at the restaurant. She'll probably be eating the cake that I made for her earlier.' Miranda shoved Gary from the back making him lean forwards and reveal her presence.

'There you are Bobkins! I knew I would find you. How about coming back to mine for a while.' He made thrusting actions in her general direction. Miranda hid her face in her hands and then looked around to plan an escape route. She saw her way out and ran with one leg stuck out in front of her and disproportionally long arms dangling down at either side towards the door. Charlie tried to follow until Gary, taking one for the team, grabbed hold of him and asked if he wanted to join them for coffee. After noticing the several bags of crisps hanging by the counter he decided to sit with them, letting Miranda retreat to the flat.

**Back at the flat…**

'Have you ever known anyone quite so obsessed with female kind. Could anything else go wrong? I haven't got a bed, Gary thinks I am a complete idiot and I am constantly being stalked by a tiny imp who is obsessed with baked potato snacks.' Just as she finishes talking to the camera her mother walks in wearing a green dragon costume.

'Hello darling!'

'Hello mum. Why are you…'

'Are you engaged yet?'

'Not since the last time you asked me which was yesterday.'

'Shame. I came round to tell you that we are having a 'knights and dragons' party tomorrow night and you are coming. I have the best costume for you. Be there at seven and not before. Your father and I are having a six o'clock Jacuzzi session and there are no bubble required.' She winked and laughed and left immediately before Miranda had the time to attempt an excuse why she couldn't come. She was left feeling obligated and a little queasy. She soon recovered and a couple of hours later was sat watching Poirot on the sofa that was now covered in chocolate wrappers and biscuit crumbs (pretty similar to the café floor really). Her mouth was so coated in chocolate that a borrower could have lived off of her face for a week. She was slumped in one corner with Gary cushion over her lap and was stroking his face caressingly.

**The next day…**

Miranda was up and eating cereal in her usual nightdress with a sheep on and grey track bottoms. The doorbell rang and she answered quickly enough. A rather fat man was standing outside with a clipboard and lack of hair. She could make out a nametag with the name 'Roy' stated across it. She recognised him from the delivery office.

'Bed for Miranda Hart?'

'What? I didn't order a bed…or did I?'

At camera – 'Oh, this is very good. I'm not going to deny ordering it or I'll lose a free bed. Do you think someone else ordered it? Mum? Stevie? No, it can't be them.'

'Erm. Yes that is my package thank you please very much sir.' She did an awkward bow and then looked around confused mouthing the words 'what was that?'. Miranda quickly signed for the package…

'Package. Funny.'

…and four delivery men came into the flat with some large boxes. Seeing as she was who she was, she paid them another thirty pounds to put it together for her. It was just a regular bed but with a little added extra. The ball pool! She was so excited that she did a little jumpy up and down clappy dance of joy.

Later that day Miranda went into the restaurant to see Gary (and because she was hungry, as always). He was stood as usual in his gentle, inviting stance. She smiled and approached him, fairly normally this time.

'Did you get your delivery then?' he asked.

'What? It was you? How did you know?'

'I think I know my best friend better than most. You are mental after all.'

'Oh thanks, I was expecting a heroic speech and I got that.

'Sometimes I like mental you know.' She smiled like a schoolgirl and sat down on the appropriately sized stools and looked into his eyes.

'Why the ball pool?'

'I know you like the word and you must like them to threaten to wee in one at the gym.' He laughed into his hand but Miranda was too occupied to react to his childish joke.

'Thanks Gary! You know, that safety wife thing might not be so far away after all' she tried to conceal her true feelings from him as much as possible. He looked confused but knew that he didn't want to say anything really. (Embrace)


End file.
